Everything Happens for a Reason
by GC Hughes
Summary: An attempt at the beginnings of a naughty romance. Grossly inappropriate and unrepentant, if i get around to finishing it it'll be the weird love child of a family guy episode and a romance novel. Enjoy if its your thing. If you're sensitive or easily offended stair clear.


**Prologue**

Things happen for a reason. Worse saying in the entire world.

I had to lie in this bed and listen to nurses, doctors, friends, even family feed that horse shit to my wife for a solid two months. That was about the time that everyone decided that it was time to turn the machines off and disappear on my arse.

My best friend went with my wife. That went without saying. They'd been having an affair for at least six months. To say my recent troubles were a boon for them was probably being a little unfair. Still if the shoe fit.

Wait. Retract that thought. I know you're hating on the Wifey and McDouche bag already but I'm going to detour for a second so bear with me.

I need to explain my current state.

I'm in a coma.

I know what you're thinking, if you're in a coma how you can you talk. I can't stupid, but I sure as hell can think. I am a bed ridden, closed eyes, unresponsive, drooling, genius! I'm the only guy in history (that I know of) that has remained cognisant while in a coma. I deserve an award. An Oscar maybe.

How did I get in this state you ask? Why thank you.

I don't remember.

I suspect is was because of drugged out gang members. They probably were hallucinating and thought I was a unicorn. That's right I said it a unicorn.

_Why does your face look like that?_

Anyway, Unicorn. My suspicion is that these gang members beat the living shit out of me because I was a unicorn and unicorn blood is magic. Duh everyone knows that. I think they probably had knives and shit on them as well, I seem to remember a lot of blood.

_What you don't believe me. I shit you not. This probably happened. Drugs are dangerous, it was probably meth._

Here, let me quote common side effects to using Meth:

1. Loss of appetite

2. Increased heart rate, blood pressure, body temperature

3. Dilation of pupils

4. Disturbed sleep patterns

5. Nausea

6. Bizarre, erratic, sometimes violent behavior

7. Hallucinations, hyperexcitability, irritability

8. Panic and psychosis

9. Convulsions, seizures and death from high doses

_Did you note, points six through eight? You did now. A unicorn._

So yeah. I'm in a coma. I can still hear shit. I'm bored.

You've probably gathered by now that I survived the turning off of the machines. Terrible business that. A lot of crying. Wasn't really my thing. Stupid doctors thought I was brain dead.

_Surprise mother fuckers!_

Anyhow after all the people left I've been stuck in this bed all on my own. Pushed into some isolated corner of the hospital. I wouldn't be surprised if I was in the basement. What else do you do with a guy whose body and seemingly his brain won't cooperate but refuses to die? My medical insurer must be hating on me right now.

I'd hazard a guess that I'd been here around two years. I got in here in 2014 and people are now gearing up to celebrate New Year 2016. I figure my maths is still ok. I'm going a little crazy. Can you tell? I blame the drugs. The good kind. Doctors' orders. Still I'm high as a kite twenty four seven.

"There you are sweetie" and there's that sickly voice again. This woman gives me the creeps.

Part of my daily routine is getting my sponge baths. Ever had one of those? Bet mine are worse. Old creeper here gets handsie. It's only a matter of time before she impales herself on my junk.

Don't laugh I kid you not. And yes it does still work. Thing has never listened to me a day in its life and it's starved for stimulation.

"How are you today dear, hmm, that's good".

Nut job.

"Let's get you all cleaned up. No number twos today. Yay".

Bully for me. My sense of embarrassment, pride I used to call it, died about eighteen months ago.

"Now let's get started on your bath". The excitement in her voice is as sad as it is illegal.

Cue over eager fondling in tee minus five seconds.

And there we go.

I probably wouldn't mind as much if she wasn't so bloody rough. I swear she's trying to castrate me. That's a hard to do by yanking someone's dick.

Did I mention I have no shame?

"What the fuck. ***** get the fuck off him. Trace call the cops". An ethical nurse to the rescue.

I'm so thoughtful. I blanked the woman's name out. Figure she'll get name suppression on account of what she was doing was bat shit crazy and she was probably going to the physc ward.

O well I think the most eventful couple months I've had in a while just ended. Onward and upward they say. Or should that be downward in my case.


End file.
